Homeschooling "Big Kids"
Wednesday, February 5, 2014 at 5:00AM
This post is about homeschooling the "Big Kids".
What, you ask, exactly defines a "Big Kid"?
BIG KID = a child who is past the initial "sponge" stage of learning, a child who is developing thoughts and opinions of their own; a child who might believe they know best most of the time; a child who only thinks a shower is necessary once every three days; a child who is conflicted most of their waking hours; and a child who is full of potential and joy.
{Commonly known as a middle school or high school student}
I've struggled to find what "works" for my big kid - and I'm not talking about a little struggle, it's been big.
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Much time has been spent on my knees, in tears, and talking with good friends.
Many date nights have occurred spontaneously in the middle of the week so my husband could be my sounding board - so we could work through the issues of our changing homeschool.
There's so much I CANNOT share with you (to respect my children's privacy), but I can share this:
Sometimes the journey homeschooling an older child is just plain HARD.
Well meaning friends tell me, "Oh, I could never homeschool my child during these hormonal years!" {and you know what I what I would tell them, right?}
Let's talk about the challenges, joys, and OPTIONS when homeschooling your bigger kids.
I don't think homeschool moms talk about it enough. We hear all of the fluffy stories and assume other families have picture perfect homeschools.
It just isn't so.
Challenges of Homeschooling a Big Kid
Narrowing this list down to 5 was tough. Let's be honest: there are many challenges to homeschooling at any age, but this middle grades age has given me quite a bit to ponder.
- Personalities - because of their developing wills and strong opinions, cooperating isn't always first on their list. At this time in their lives a personality conflict can be very obvious with mom or dad (or their siblings).
- Academics - big kids are SMART! It can be difficult to keep them academically challenged and provide them with the dialectic and rhetorical education they deserve.
- Submission - by their very nature, big kids don't like to submit - they have to LEARN this (just like adults do!)... sometimes submitting to their parent is difficult and painful.
- Time - with little kids you are most always guaranteed nap times and early bed times; with big kids the times of quiet are unpredictable - one minute they may want to be alone in their room and the next they may want to have a heart to heart at 10 p.m. Homeschooling big kids takes time.
- Preparation - are our big kids getting what they need to be prepared for life? Will they be prepared for college? A job? A family? That's a huge responsibility for the homeschooling parent to carry.
Joys of Homeschooling a Big Kid
I have to remind myself to focus on the joys and not the challenges... some days the challenges can bog you down, but when I step back and get some distance from the situation I can better see the joys.
- Freedom - gone are the days of getting a babysitter or taking your children with you to every doctor appointment and errand. You can LEAVE THEM by themselves, and the first time you do this the feeling of freedom is indescribable! Better still - they can babysit the LITTLE KIDS!
- Conversations - the level of discourse with a big kid can be really exciting - many of the homeschooled big kids I know have more intelligent conversations than many adults I know. Big kids have a lot to say, and if you listen, you can learn a lot.
- Humor - big kids are funny. When you catch them at the right time they can genuinely crack you up and make your day a lot lighter.
- Accomplishment - watching your big kids accomplish certain BIG things (like that really hard math problem, writing a great essay, or showing genuine compassion to someone in need) is a wonderful feeling. As a mom, you feel like you've done something right and that this lifestyle has been worth it.
- Peace - knowing my big kid is free from traditional school JUNK makes me so peaceful. We don't have to worry about bullying, mean girls, or weapons in the classroom. We are free to teach what we want to our children, and they are free to pursue their interests. We recently toured a private Christian school and what struck me was the lack of depth in its curriculum. Nothing is more rich than a custom education for your UNIQUE child. As a homeschooling family we have fewer worries! There is an immense amount of peace that comes with educating your own children.
What are Your Options?
I've explored all of these on some level - we're very familiar with OPTIONS around here....
These options can be utilized alone or in conjunctions with one another.
- Give up - you can do nothing and throw in the towel just to gain some sanity. Put your child in the local public school and be done with it. (This is not the option I would recommend.)
- Change Course - consider doing something drastically different for homeschool. For us, it came in the form of joining the Classical Conversations Challenge Program (a HUGE blessing). Investigate the options for hybrid schools, classical academies, online schools, and so much more. There are SO MANY OPTIONS out there!
- Seek wise counsel - find a mom who has been there and understands your struggle. Most moms I know are more than happy to share their experience and advice with you. Seek out a seasoned homeschool mom who can encourage you, pray for you, and let you know you're not alone.
- Pray - when I start my days with prayer for our homeschool, things are so much better. I also find myself whispering prayers throughout the day. Praying WITH your child is important, too. In our home, dad leads prayers in the evening, and the sense of peace that comes over us is PERFECT.
- Study - over the years I have collected a few books that really help - I've put them in a widget below:
Starting next week I will be writing about our experiences in the Challenge program with Classical Conversations. For my "Big Kid", this has been the perfect balance of "school" and "home". She is growing, learning, and "challenging" us on a daily basis. The parents we have met all sharpen one another, and I am certain this is where we need to be.
Tell me about your "big kid". Has homeschooling them being challenging? Joyful? A mixture of both?
Let's talk "big kids"!
Reader Comments (15)
I have been waiting for someone to address this age group. When you look around most homeschool blogs there just isn't enough information or feedback on dealing with these difficulties. It's made me feel like I'm the only one struggling to get my son to do his school work. It could be my parenting skills or it could just be a phase. I've tried everything from different curriculum and methods of teaching, even letting him decide when and what to do, but nothing seems to be working. The minimum is all I get from him, which lately seems like enough, but is it really?
Please, please continue to address these years! These are completely uncharted waters for me. The scale seems to be on a continuous swing between the preparation worry and the peace blessing. And let's not forget the discussions that go like this: "It's math - numbers. It's an equation. X = 7. There are no emotions involved." :-) I'm so grateful for your older child post today!
I agree! I don't think I even get the minimum anymore, especially not without taking every privilege away first. I really expected more independence at this age. I know they are conflicted as well and going through a lot of changes. I, as Lynda stated, know it could be parenting skills, my inadequacies, high expectations, sometimes it seems like just pure laziness. I worry about their future and if we are doing it right or doing enough. It is often a feeling of just treading water everyday. Thankful for God's grace!
Thank you for sharing this. My only child is in 4th grade now and I've started to seek out homeschool information for middle school (and high school, yikes!). It's hard to come by - so much is geared to homeschooling youngers. It feels like uncharted territory so your post means a lot.
I'm beginning to get a glimpse of those conversations you mention. Instead of telling her all the facts about something, lessons are slowly becoming times of discussion.
I have to say that I love this age! I wasn't much of a crafty, get-on-the-floor and play mom but I really do love this stage - watching our children grow into adulthood is such a blessing.
Since we didn't start homeschooling until halfway through 4th grade, most of our homeschooling time has been with a big kid. We had it easy at first because she was so grateful to be out of parochial school. As time goes on we see less and less cooperation. I've thought about my options before, but so,etching always brings us back to what we are doing now. I really hope the remainder of the big kid years don't get much worse. There are days I just have to walk off to another part of the house to take some mom alone time before I say something I don't mean. Unfortunately our big kid isn't ready to stay at home alone very long. So it's still me and her all the time. We really need some help working through our personality clashes somedays. We are quite similar in personality and that doesn't always go well.
Hi Mary, as you know, I'm homeschooling two little people. After reading your post, I wonder if you have any advice and/or are you doing anything differently with your younger kid to prepare for homeschooling a big kid? I have one who is very opinionated and doesn't submit well even through the little years. I'm scared already of the teenage years!
I STARTED homeschooling this year and my daughter is in 7th grade -- this is and continues to be a BIG challenge. I am glad someone is addressing this age group. I would love to put her in the Classical Conversations but the closest one to us is an hour away and we do not have the extra money for the curriculum. Any suggestions?
My middle-school aged kids are following their own interests and loving it! They're able to study whatever they want, however deeply they want. At first, I was conflicted about this path, until I started remembering how the only things I remember are either the topics which really grabbed my attention or that I CHOSE myself. My high school daughter has chosen to keep her more traditional curriculum until next year, when she will have a custom designed curriculum focusing on private investigation. My son will also be in high school next year, and he will be using a Minecraft curriculum. Life is so much easier when your kids can incorporate their interests into their education.
My oldest is a 7th grader and it's been a mostly smooth year. I think what really made a difference in the homeschool arena was that she was integral to setting goals and choosing courses and materials for this year. I even shared a blog series about it ( http://ourbusyhomeschool.com/homeschool-planning/ )
Does she have moody days? Of course, so do I ! And being the oldest of eight children means she seeks out quiet time as she needs it and I try to help make that happen.
I love these years, most of the time.
Mary,
My oldest is in 9th grade. I can relate to every single word. I have had more throw in the towel moments this year than I think I did my first year. There are days I just want to go with option #1 (usually when I have PMS), but I still believe in the decision and think it's best. I love your list of joys. I agree with every single one. Especially the humor! My son is a trip! And YES Ieaving him home alone is actually pretty awesome! Great post!
Our "big kid" only just turned 12 (last month) and yet he was goofing around with his math and english work. I'd kept saying I think it's boring him and he needs more challenge and finally my husband agreed. We challenged him with some 9th and 10th grade worksheets in those subjects and discovered that the lowest grade he got on any of them was a B of all things! That was out of over ten worksheets! So, we're now accelerating his pace in those subjects until he hits the point where he finds it challenging enough to slow down and then we'll do that. He's already doing some science work above "grade level" , which traditionally would be 6th. His lack luster attitude about life and chores in general is driving me batty most days, but when we need him ... such as last night when Daddy fell down again and hurt his knee once more ... our son is always there to step up to the plate. It's really distressing for him also do to his ADHD and his short height (the size of an average 8 or 9 yo) so some days we have his "evil twin" to contend with instead of him and he gets told to go back to his room until he adjusts his attitude. I see many years of adjustment and challenges with keeping pace with his needs for challenge in curriculum and patience when it comes to his frustrations with his height etc
Homeschooling big kids is hard! I've got seven graduates now. A couple went to school part time for their junior and/or senior year because they wanted to study something that I didn't feel I was capable of teaching. This was back in the day when there was NO or minimal internet, mind you! Now it is easy to learn pretty much anything online! Both of my girl graduates homeschooled straight through to college. It has been my experience that it's easier to homeschool girls. The boys challenged authority more and were more worried about learning from a "real" teacher. But we made it through all right!
Exactly what I am thinking, praying, waking up at night, anxious about!! I have been writing these very words in my journal. God is good and if we ask, seek, knock, he will answer and pave the road before us. Thank you for sharing and keep posting!! This is when home schooled kids are expected to enter the system and I'm still not convinced it's the very best! We also toured a private school and we never looked around and said, "wow!"
My concern now is the friendship factor. My child is alone a lot and when a nearby friend is available she drops everything to see her. She loves her life, wants to home school, but I am very torn. Will keep praying and seeking information and wisdom.
Thanks!!
I stumbled upon your blog today and am so glad to have read this post about big kids. It was perfectly timed. We just started homeschooling our 11 year old daughter this year for 6th grade. It's been wonderful and challenging all at the same time. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated your words and encouragement! Thank you!
Thanks for this post! We've found submission to be a hard pill to swallow at our house, too. With two boys who are completing 8th grade and 6th grade this year, their desire to be the captains of their own destiny has made it more difficult for them to accept direction from Mom. We are working through this time, however, and I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for sharing your insights! :)