Saying NO to Social Media for Our Kids
Monday, July 22, 2013 at 5:00AM
I love social media (maybe too much).
It is a vehicle for me to communicate with readers, family, and friends.
Social media has allowed this blog to reach many people and it's afforded my family lots of extras through the income it helps generate.
I am NOT anti social media.
I am, however, very anti social media for our kids.
Our family came about this decision the hard way.
Disclaimer: Our experience with our own tween is solely with Instagram. I have observed other children I know on Twitter and Facebook as well.
I saw so many friends letting their children have an Instagram account, or share a Facebook account with them. I even know some kids (tweens) that are tweeting.
I thought my daughter would enjoy having an Instagram account. It would be a fun way for her to communicate with children of my homeschool blogger friends, and a way for her to keep up with some friends she knows in person.
My husband (wise man that he is) didn't think it was such a great idea, but in a moment of weakness last year we let our daughter get her own Instagram account as a reward.
EPIC FAIL.
Before you read any further, you might want to read A Word About Instagram - it puts into words what I wanted to several months ago, but just couldn't bring myself to write about.
While my daughter (who was then 11) enjoyed the interaction and posting pictures, I started noticing that her moods would deteriorate when she was allowed to spend time on Instagram.
She was friends with one particular girl who was posting obscene words and threatening other children in her school. (Our experience with this child had always been favorable. Her behavior came as a shock to us.)
This same child also would make posts "rating" her IG friends on a scale of 1-10. Anna was so happy when this friend gave her a rating of 8, but I'm wondering about those poor friends who got ratings of 2 and 3.
As if being a preteen isn't hard enough - our children get to worry about friendships through social media, too.
Anna was exposed to profanity (not through her friends, but through photos her friends liked - yes, you can see those) that she had never heard before.
So, while her friends were limited and I patrolled Instagram regularly, there was NO WAY to shield her from things she just wasn't ready for.
One day we sat her down and told her Instagram had to be shut down. She was disappointed, but now (a few months after the fact) she never mentions it and will even tell us she is happier without it. I used that moment to admit my parenting mistake and asked her to forgive me for making a bad decision. It was humbling, but a huge blessing in disguise.
Why Social Media Gets the Thumbs Down
- Many social media outlets have a minimum age of 13. If your child is younger than this and participating in the outlet, then you have taught them lying is perfectly acceptable. (Read the Instagram Terms of Use - the first rule is you MUST be 13.)
- There is no reason our kids need this extra stimulation and "socialization". It is just another way our society forces children to grow up waaaay too fast. Ironically it is also creating a culture of children are much more immature than ever before.
- Social media makes our kids have an unnatural obsession with themselves. Just look at the amount of "selfies" kids are posting. Would you walk down the street and shout, "LOOK AT ME? DON'T I LOOK GREAT TODAY?" Probably not - yet this is what social media does.
- There are so many other good things for our children to be doing - reading books, creating things, actually TALKING with their friends, and so much more.
- It's a safety issue - there are all kinds of creepy people out there that are very social media savvy. You are fooling yourself if you don't think they have their eyes on our children. This scares me the most.
- There is a record of social media activity- colleges, employers, and others can search these sites and see what your child's activity was like.
- It makes an already difficult time in our children's lives even more difficult and public. Now kids are open to criticism and bullying from THOUSANDS of people rather than their immediate circle of peers. Why do we want to do this to our kids?
- It's addictive - Kids get sucked into this and feel they can't function unless they see what their friends have been doing. I know this, because sometimes I fall prey to this addiction, and I fight hard against it.
- A lot of parents are clueless about it - which makes it every more of a minefield for their children. If you're going to let your kid be on these sites, at least watch them like a hawk and be present yourself.
I've watched "good" kids get access to social media and do some very stupid things.
I've been with kids who are constantly looking at their phone while in my presence - I think it's rude for adults to do this, and for kids it's even more disturbing.
I can already hear the rebuttal to this post.
I've personally had this discussion with a few people in my life.
They think I'm overprotective. They think my child is sheltered and will never learn to use this technology unless she tries it out under my watchful eye.
They think THEIR CHILD can handle it.
I disagree.
Funny. I heard this same argument about why I shouldn't homeschool my kids.
I'm going to err on the side of caution with this issue.
Our children need our protection, wisdom and discipline. I think a lot of parents cave into social media for their kids because "everyone else is doing it". And let's face it - it keeps the big kids quiet and occupied if they can stare at their phones and be connected 24/7.
Read Protecting Kids' Heart Deep Identity: A Note To Parents About Instagram. This article nails it for me.
There's also a "coolness" factor - the need to impress others - and this can be done through social media.
There are so many factors out of our control with social media and I'm just not willing to go there right now.
And I don't think you should, either.
We have decided to completely say NO to social media. There is no gray area. There is no "just a little bit" or "just a few friends on Instagram".
Social media for kids is a huge Pandora's Box and we should all be mindful of that fact.
In doing some research for this post I came across A Parent's Guide to Instagram. I laughed out loud when I read this in the guide:
And there's a risk of social marginalization for kids who are notallowed to socialize in this way that's now so embedded in their social lives. Wiseuse tends to be better than no use.
Reader Comments (53)
I can see all your points. My daughter is on Facebook and Instagram. She's 15 and she's very "different" from other kids. She searches for anime, manga and art. She posts anime, manga and art. She shares her own amazing art. That's what she cares about.
Does she post pics of herself? Only if she has done some amazing job at making herself look like an anime or created a cosplay outfit. I see all of it. She connects with other artists and people in the industry in which she wants to work (voice actors and art). Hmmm networking? :-)
But selfies, foul language and shallow, petty "teen stuff", she just tags it as #MAPOTI in her own mind (or maybe she vaguebooks it). She sees the world in a very black and white (right and wrong) way. It's hard to make her see gray, even when she needs to.
Could she see and hear foul language? Yeah, but it won't be anything she hasn't heard flying from the mouths of relatives and people in public.
Between me, her siblings and friends in the congregation, everyone sees what she's doing. She's doing nothing wrong. Just being a 15 year old that maybe appears to be more like an 11 year old by the world's standards. :-)
I feel so left out sometimes (as an adult) because we don't have a smart phone and I have no idea what instagram is all about.We do not have twitter and only I have a facebook account which I never use. I can imagine that it is doubly hard for children who lack experience and self control. I appreciate this post so much. Since my tween wants to be free to explore the world fully. I need to know about all of these things.
Blessings, Dawn
I agree 100%!!! I never really thought about it until my teenage sister came to visit us and while she has no phone- she has an ipod and has downloaded all the social media apps so she can text, make phone calls, fb, etc... She is on the ipod all day long. It's addictive. My poor clueless mother has no idea what apps she's using, who she's texting, etc. It is very dangerous to allow children free reign over these types of things unless the parents are educated about social media and keep tabs on what kids are doing- which could very well be a full time job! After this experience I am definitely going to adopt this stance for my kids as well.
We're asked to be courageous; and to be of this world, not in it. My son won't be allowed on social media either.
I have been going over all of this in my own mind for awhile now. I got on Facebook about 4 years ago and have yo-yoed between addiction and neglect (which gets a call from my mom, " where are my pictures?). One comment that I hear a lot is that social media isn't going away. To some, that means it's necessary. While it may be acceptaqble, I am finding that it's no more necessary than television (which us on its way out of our home). So while I will keep my Facebook for the sake of communicating, I am more and more inclined to view it as just another stumbling block. I cannot eliminate it because of my mom,but I definitely can see where I would be better off having never gotten it. For my kids, they can go through their own journey when they move into adulthood. There is nothing they need to learn about using it that can't wait until then, as they are as tech savvy as anyone I know (and more than most).
Glad you decided to post this, Mary! Right now Kathryn is still on IG, but that's always going to be a lets-see-how-this-goes thing. She's seen her big sister make some big social media mistakes and we've had numerous discussions about it. I'm a total stalker in what she posts, what her friends post, etc. And when it comes to twitter, facebook, or whatever else may pop up in the next couple of years - not gonna happen any time soon. Even Pinterest is far too easy to land on scary stuff so if we're doing something like looking for bedroom decor ideas, we sit there looking together on MY account. It's a difficult road to navigate; this all new stuff from when we were kids. So yay again for posting this!
I agree 150%. My stepdaughter has struggled so much more as a teen (and with a bipolar disorder) because of social media. And talk about adults bullying kids - we had an incident in which she tweeted something her friend's mom didn't like, so the mom (a grown woman) screenshot it and posted it on facebook for all of her adult friends to see and judge. We get calls and texts all the time re: her online behavior, and she doesn't even live with us and we have zero control over it. I wish Al Gore had never invented the internet lol
We learned the hard way with Facebook. Originally, I honestly did not know there was an age for Facebook. I guess I should have read the fine print, but I didn't. Anyway, we let the girls use it to play games and then realized in order to play the games you needed to allow friends...and that lead to an adult in our family who doesn't speak to Jason or I contacting the girls and talking with them and we shut it down.
As for Instagram, I see your points. I am friends with everyone my girls are friends with (although I recently allowed Allie to follow art and design companies that I don't follow). They had a friend who posted promiscuous photos of herself and we made that a lesson in what not to do. We told the girls if she kept it up, they would have to stop following her. And they did. I have also seen the rate your friends on a scale of 1-10 and told the girls A) what we think of that and B) had the girls stop following people who did that. Right now, their accounts are private. Jason and I control who their friends are (ie, they can not approve follow requests) and we both monitor their account. We are using it as a learning tool to teach what we find acceptable/not acceptable.
Jason JUST got an IG account yesterday and it is "recommended" for 12 and up but there is no required age of 12+. Piper LOVES to take photos with her DSLR camera, but sometimes having her ipod is just easier and she likes to share photos.
My feeling is that if parents can monitor their children's involvement with social media, they can teach them what is appropriate/not appropriate.
Great article, Mary. I agree with most of what you say. My 17 year old has a FB account, but rarely posts. He also hides and deletes a lot of things people post. He is 17 going on 60 and will alwyas choose a book or outdoor activity over being online. My youngest is a totally different kid than my 17 year old and he will NOT be getting any social media accounts before he moves out of my house.
Regarding that last quote - gee that sounds familiar. God forbid our kids not be "cool" - but sadly that is what most parents want for their kids - mainly because they missed out on being "cool" so they need to live vicariously through their kids. Parents do it with a lot of things. I find the quote laughable - what if we insert marijuana, sexting or some other popular activity among mainstream teens. Would "wise use" still apply? I think not!
Thanks for another thoughtful post, Mary.
So very well stated! My heart ached to hear how that girl was rating her friends. We thought the peer pressure was tough when we were preteens and teens, such public judgement takes it to a much different and detrimental level. My 12 yo daughter and I just had a conversation about Facebook the other day, in which she said, "I have no interest. Kids my age are way too young. All it does, Mom, is perpetuate cliques".
I agree 100000 percent--I sometimes find it a negative for me, imagine for a 12 year old.
Thank you for so eloquently stating the argument against. Call us old fashioned--I'll wear that label proudly!
LOVE this!!!! My 8yr old has asked numerous times why he can't have a FB account. For one...he's far too young. And two...he doesn't need one!!! In fact, I'm not sure I would need one if it weren't for blogging. Yeah it's a great way to connect to friends and family from afar, but honestly the trash that is plastered all over it rubs me the wrong way.
Thank you so much for posting this!!! I will be sharing with my followers as well. Very well written and I commend you for taking a stand for your daughter and her childhood innocence!!!!
Blessings,
Annette
Amen, Mary.
Seriously, I couldn't agree more. Social media has dangers and a slippery-slope tendency for adults, so it's too much of a risk for kids. There are many things only allowed for adults because of the inherent risks, and I strongly feel any form of social media is one of them. It makes it easy with my daughter to say there is no social media whatsoever. It's not up for discussion. No sharing of your information or photos online. Period. When she's 18 and can be responsible for her own errors it will be her personal choice, but I will have guarded her heart, mind, and future (preventing an internet footprint) while it is under my watch.
I think back to my tween/teen years and the challenges, and feel social media magnifies what is already a difficult time. So I stand firm.
So glad you shared this, Mary. You rock at saying the hard things.
I like to think of myself as pretty social media savvy. I did not know that you had to be 13 to be on Instagram!!! Did.not.know. My 12 yo WAS on Instagram until today. He is done. I can't talk to my children about honesty being important if I let things like this slide. Facebook? Not happening for a long time. Thanks for this post Mary. It's so important and even those of us "in the know" have a lot to learn!!
Thank you for writing this. My oldest is almost 10 so I haven't given this any thought yet. I have had a facebook account for a few years and the past couple of months have noticed the negatives in my own life. At first it was a fun way to keep in contact with family and friends. But relationships have become superficial. And I have noticed how self absorbed it makes adults as well. It's a way for people to draw attention to themselves and only themselves. I was recently hurt pretty bad by a childhood friend. We reconnected a few years ago through myspace and then kept in touch through facebook. After messaging back and forth for a few months she suddenly just stopped talking to me. No explanation, no compassion, nothing. Social media makes it easy to do that. If you have to actually talk face to face with a person on a regular basis, it would be more difficult to treat someone so thoughtlessly. I hope this comment makes sense and isn't too off base. It just reminds me of why I want to teach my children to build real relationships and not build their lives around social media.
I completely agree. We limit our kids time on any internet/ electronic devices. It's not good for them. My husband's job is somewhat political in nature so even I have to watch what I post on my channels. It's hard enough to monitor what the kids tell & share with their friends in person- giving them a platform to do it publicly is a scary thing. Preserving their innocence is vitally important & I agree with you that it's odd how it steals the innocence yet the maturity level is lacking. Great post!!!
Great post Mary. I know you were hesitant about posting this and I am glad you did. As Mothers we all need information from others Moms. First of all I didn't know that happened to Anna. Keilee had asked me why she wasn't on IG anymore. Keilee is on FB and IG. She rarely posts on Facebook or even gets on except to check on practices, etc. But Facebook is where everyone lets her know play practice and get togethers for various things she is involved in. Yes I could have them sent to me but I like that she is responsible for keeping up with her activities.
We both love Instagram BUT.....she has had nothing but good experiences with it. She has never had a negative comment or seen negative things on there. The worst thing she saw was a girl who kept posting, "I really want a boyfriend to snuggle and sit with on the couch" Keilee left a comment, "Get a dog" and unfollowed her. I can't guarantee that she will never see a curse word here or there, although she has never said anything to me and she usually tells me, but nothing that she hasn't heard out and about unfortunately. People say things in stores that blow my mind. Or on Network TV. :/
I keep a HUGE check on her activity. Not just from MY Instagram account but I take her iPad and see all her activity. She has met amazing homeschoolers all over the country. She has found artists and photographers and an archaeologist that posts gorgeous photos and found new bands that she loves. It is a wonderful way for her to keep up with my blog friends children. It makes them feel more connected which I love. Like I said, it has been a good experience, if that were to change I would totally revisit the way I feel. I think we all try to do the best thing for our children. If deleting Instagram or Facebook was that 'best thing' I would do it in a heartbeat.
I feel the same about social media as I felt about the Internet for years; it is the best and the worst of humanity.
I completely see your side of this and why you have made the decision that you have made. We have chosen to homeschool our children to shelter them from peer pressure and bullying as well.
With this being said, I have chosen to allow my son to have a FaceBook account. He had to wait until he was 13. He has to have his account on private. He is only allowed to have "friends" that him and I both know in real life. He is not allowed privacy and I am able to access his account. Also, he is only able to access FaceBook on the desk top and he has to keep the door to the "office" open at all times. He will not have a smart phone, tablet or ipad with internet access. This is just how we have decided to do it and he knows that if he can not follow these rules, he does not get the privilege of using FaceBook.
I know what social media has done to me -- I'm not going to throw that at my kids. (how many "girls night out" trips I miss and feel excluded at age 36 - why subject a teenager to feel that way - ugh!) We have a 16yr old niece that was sending PM's to boys - inappropriate stuff going on there but since it was not posted on her status updates mom never knew right away. She had to go looking for it.
Granted - we want to believe the best in our kids - but social media now means all their friends, their friends parents, teachers, youth groups, the news updates, ad space spam, etc. Our circle of influence just got too big too fast. NOT WORTH IT!
I love how you encouraged kids to create something! FOR REAL
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. Our girls are not active in social media, but your post and the post you linked to gave me plenty to think about.
I totally agree. We have 3 boys, the oldest is 12. He is happily playing legos a few feet away from me at the lego table with his youngest brother. I don't have to worry about what he is reading on FB, Twitter or IG. He doesn't do any of it. I hope to keep it that way for a long time! Thanks for posting your thoughts.
Quick disclaimer before I comment: I don't own a smart phone. I don't know when or if I will. I own an iPad but limit its use. My children had access to the Internet for a handful of sites. Unfortunately, my oldest began searching openly for her beloved Manga characters and was brought to some *disgusting* sites. My kids have been restricted from the web all summer. I'm currently researching s/w to protect us, if possible. My kids don't own cell phones. IMO they have no reason to since we're together 24/7. Perhaps this will change once they are older and begin working and volunteering outside of the home. But I don't plan on those cells being smart phones. I think its important to allow kids to learn the new technologies like apps, tablets and the like but I don't believe in simply handing them a device free and clear. Too many dangers. So no social media for my youngsters. I don't think it is a world for children. Not to mention once your info is "out there" it is for all to see. I even cringe from time to time that I'm out there! I don't mind the label overprotective. It's my responsibility for these very short precious years. Thanks for having the courage to write (and to read my long comment), Mary!
Great thoughts.
Me and my husband don't even have a facebook/twitter (I'm just hooked on Pintrest). My oldest is 8 and still innocent, we're trying to protect that as long as we could even if we don't do what everybody else is doing and are called
"weird."
Good topic for me to address to my girls so when they do become adults they make wise and Godly decisions.
Ben is turning 13 later this year, so the conversations have begun. We have said no for now, for the same reasons you mention.
The 13 thing makes me crazy. I see Christian parents all the tome bending this rule for their kids all the time and I agree it's lying.
It's not as big an issue because none of us have smart phones. I do use Instaagram with my iPad, but it's my iPad and he doesn't have one.
So much in the world to protect our kids from. this one is a no-brainer really..
Great points, and I agree. Mine are young enough that I don't have any idea what the social media landscape will look like when mine are old enough for me to consider letting them "join in." It does underscore my feeling that the parent being involved in, and aware of, the various social media outlets is critical if the child is going to participate. I know several parents who scoff at Facebook and Instagram and other social media sources, claiming they'll "never go there," which is fine - except they let their kids. To me, that is just asking for trouble. But I'm with you - there's no need for young kids to be exposed to this kind of thing. There is a sense amongst some parents, and the quote you cited shows this, that there is a need to throw kids to the wolves in order to make sure they can "handle" the pressures of life. I think it is true that some parents are so concerned about their kids being "cool." I bet in a lot of cases it comes from a desire to shield them from bullying (they don't want their kid becoming the one who is picked on), but instead of rushing them along to grow up, why can't we focus on raising confident, self assured kids who know their parents have their back. My hope is, that once my kids are old enough that I'm ready to let them engage in social media, they won't be still struggling to find their own identities and looking to their peers to give them confidence and tell them their place in the world. They'll already know, and be able to weather the craziness without being sucked into the drama.
Thank you for the insight, wisdom and encouragement in this article!! I've been telling my 12 year old daughter NO to social media for over a year - this article helps strengthen my position and determination to wait on social media.