Saying NO to Social Media for Our Kids
Monday, July 22, 2013 at 5:00AM
I love social media (maybe too much).
It is a vehicle for me to communicate with readers, family, and friends.
Social media has allowed this blog to reach many people and it's afforded my family lots of extras through the income it helps generate.
I am NOT anti social media.
I am, however, very anti social media for our kids.
Our family came about this decision the hard way.
Disclaimer: Our experience with our own tween is solely with Instagram. I have observed other children I know on Twitter and Facebook as well.
I saw so many friends letting their children have an Instagram account, or share a Facebook account with them. I even know some kids (tweens) that are tweeting.
I thought my daughter would enjoy having an Instagram account. It would be a fun way for her to communicate with children of my homeschool blogger friends, and a way for her to keep up with some friends she knows in person.
My husband (wise man that he is) didn't think it was such a great idea, but in a moment of weakness last year we let our daughter get her own Instagram account as a reward.
EPIC FAIL.
Before you read any further, you might want to read A Word About Instagram - it puts into words what I wanted to several months ago, but just couldn't bring myself to write about.
While my daughter (who was then 11) enjoyed the interaction and posting pictures, I started noticing that her moods would deteriorate when she was allowed to spend time on Instagram.
She was friends with one particular girl who was posting obscene words and threatening other children in her school. (Our experience with this child had always been favorable. Her behavior came as a shock to us.)
This same child also would make posts "rating" her IG friends on a scale of 1-10. Anna was so happy when this friend gave her a rating of 8, but I'm wondering about those poor friends who got ratings of 2 and 3.
As if being a preteen isn't hard enough - our children get to worry about friendships through social media, too.
Anna was exposed to profanity (not through her friends, but through photos her friends liked - yes, you can see those) that she had never heard before.
So, while her friends were limited and I patrolled Instagram regularly, there was NO WAY to shield her from things she just wasn't ready for.
One day we sat her down and told her Instagram had to be shut down. She was disappointed, but now (a few months after the fact) she never mentions it and will even tell us she is happier without it. I used that moment to admit my parenting mistake and asked her to forgive me for making a bad decision. It was humbling, but a huge blessing in disguise.
Why Social Media Gets the Thumbs Down
- Many social media outlets have a minimum age of 13. If your child is younger than this and participating in the outlet, then you have taught them lying is perfectly acceptable. (Read the Instagram Terms of Use - the first rule is you MUST be 13.)
- There is no reason our kids need this extra stimulation and "socialization". It is just another way our society forces children to grow up waaaay too fast. Ironically it is also creating a culture of children are much more immature than ever before.
- Social media makes our kids have an unnatural obsession with themselves. Just look at the amount of "selfies" kids are posting. Would you walk down the street and shout, "LOOK AT ME? DON'T I LOOK GREAT TODAY?" Probably not - yet this is what social media does.
- There are so many other good things for our children to be doing - reading books, creating things, actually TALKING with their friends, and so much more.
- It's a safety issue - there are all kinds of creepy people out there that are very social media savvy. You are fooling yourself if you don't think they have their eyes on our children. This scares me the most.
- There is a record of social media activity- colleges, employers, and others can search these sites and see what your child's activity was like.
- It makes an already difficult time in our children's lives even more difficult and public. Now kids are open to criticism and bullying from THOUSANDS of people rather than their immediate circle of peers. Why do we want to do this to our kids?
- It's addictive - Kids get sucked into this and feel they can't function unless they see what their friends have been doing. I know this, because sometimes I fall prey to this addiction, and I fight hard against it.
- A lot of parents are clueless about it - which makes it every more of a minefield for their children. If you're going to let your kid be on these sites, at least watch them like a hawk and be present yourself.
I've watched "good" kids get access to social media and do some very stupid things.
I've been with kids who are constantly looking at their phone while in my presence - I think it's rude for adults to do this, and for kids it's even more disturbing.
I can already hear the rebuttal to this post.
I've personally had this discussion with a few people in my life.
They think I'm overprotective. They think my child is sheltered and will never learn to use this technology unless she tries it out under my watchful eye.
They think THEIR CHILD can handle it.
I disagree.
Funny. I heard this same argument about why I shouldn't homeschool my kids.
I'm going to err on the side of caution with this issue.
Our children need our protection, wisdom and discipline. I think a lot of parents cave into social media for their kids because "everyone else is doing it". And let's face it - it keeps the big kids quiet and occupied if they can stare at their phones and be connected 24/7.
Read Protecting Kids' Heart Deep Identity: A Note To Parents About Instagram. This article nails it for me.
There's also a "coolness" factor - the need to impress others - and this can be done through social media.
There are so many factors out of our control with social media and I'm just not willing to go there right now.
And I don't think you should, either.
We have decided to completely say NO to social media. There is no gray area. There is no "just a little bit" or "just a few friends on Instagram".
Social media for kids is a huge Pandora's Box and we should all be mindful of that fact.
In doing some research for this post I came across A Parent's Guide to Instagram. I laughed out loud when I read this in the guide:
And there's a risk of social marginalization for kids who are notallowed to socialize in this way that's now so embedded in their social lives. Wiseuse tends to be better than no use.
Reader Comments (53)
Ok, so my son seems to be a bit older than most of the ones referred to here. He is a very astute, discerning young man. He has a smart phone, a FB and a twitter acct...all of which we have complete access to (passwords etc) His tennis team only communicates via FB, he has teachers who post class info via FB. He only has the twitter account to follow a computer tech guru he is enamored with. He loves to share the"tech tips" from Linus's tweets with us. He's learned an incredible amount about building computers; he's interested in pursuing a career in this field and is gaining alot of technical knowledge. He's built 4 computers in the past 6 months and is making some money doing so. We trust him with these tools completely..but he is very aware that we constantly monitor these and they will be shut down at the first misuse of them.
On the other side, my younger daughter has none of these and we can't tell her when she will be able to get them as she is a totally different person...
So I think it boils down to the fact that we each know our own kids and do what we feel is best for them...which, even inside one household, may be very different.
I am one of those parents who has given much thought and prayer to the use of social media.
We just entered the teen years about 2 weeks ago, so it's top of mind.
My initial thoughts were "No way! Not happening here." However, a dear friend - a homeschooling mother of 6, 4 of whom are 16 and up, cared enough about me and my family to have a Titus 2 talk with me. She too is part of the Institute for Cultural Communicators (iccinc.org), and realizes that our children WILL use social media...if we keep it locked down in our homes, it may not be until they graduate from High School, but at some time in their lives they will...because it's part of their culture.
She explained to me that their family TRAINS the use of all social media...whether it's an email account, or Facebook.
That got my attention. It's about the training...just like teaching them to ride a bike....we want them to do so wisely and safely.
I now see students on social media every day, students who are part of ICC and know that social media is yet another platform - for sharing Christ. They have been taught how to use it for just that purpose, and their tweets, FB messages, and Instagram pictures are a blessing to see.
If my kiddos were still young, I know I'd feel differently. But now that we're at the age that this needs to be a topic of discussion, I realize that training them to use these platforms, and to realize the power of them, is part of my job as a parent.
I enter it with much fear and trembling, and am not yet at the excited point with it all...but I don't want the world to be their tutor one day.
I believe it's my responsibility to walk them through this.
With the Institute for Cultural Communicators, we even have online certifications that we use to train students in the use of different social media platforms, so that they will be used in a Christ-honoring, Gospel-furthering manner.
ICC is hosting Communicators For Christ conferences across the country starting in just a few weeks. If you'd like more information on this amazing ministry or the conference, please see iccinc.org.
Blessings.
Thank you for your thoughtful insight!
I have two kids...ages 10 and 13. My 13 yo had a negative exp on G+. Really bad...with the son of then-friends of ours who was being nasy, writing awful stuff on my son;s posts....hey, my kid is not above reproach, BUT this was uncalled for bad behavior.
We then told our son, NO MORE SOC MEDIA. He freaked out that he was being punished bc of someone's else behavior. True. We stood by it tho.
Now, he wants FB and we are holding our ground.
He does plays in local community theaters and b.c everyone seems to be on FB and FB groupsa re THE way to communicate, rather than email loops, it WOULD be better for him to get info firsthandon rehearsals, auditions, etc, etc.... rather than me reading it from FB and then imparting it to him. BUT I fear for a number of reasons that he should not be on FB.
First, negativity. I know he'd get sucked into nonsense and drama. He is well read and knowlegeable abt world events. He will get into discussions on politics and his con servative POV will get him into trouble. Yes, we need ppl to be "out there" who are right wing and conservative/pro life...BUT he does not need to get involved so much a t this age. ( in other words, he has a big mouth!) Second, he'd see pics and such of events that he may not be invited to that friends post and have hurt feelings. Third, he'd spend way too much time online, which is already a battle for us.
Fourth, we feel that he needs less online interaction and more face to face interaction with friends.....
I agree with you wholeheartedyl and I am happy to back from my blogging break and into the blogosphere to read yours and others' friends posts.
THANK YOU.
~Chris
I completely, 100% agree with this post and I plan to save it to show my kids when they ask (again) why they can't have social media. I'm also sharing on Facebook. Thanks for being open and awesome enough to share your values with us.
My kids have android devices which we control wifi access on. My husband set our wireless router to turn off at 9:30 and back on at 8:30 am. They do not have fb or twitter and have not asked. They are 14 almost 15 and 13. My daughter has Instagram but no friends and no followers. She likes to take pictures of her crafts and dolls for herself. They both have a blog (my son has two) and do some posting about the things they are working on and have guidelines. My son is part of a homeschool forum which he adores, but it can take a lot of his time. Most of their friends don't have these things either except for a few so they do not feel the pressure to join up. Besides, I was reluctant for a LONG time myself so they know the hazards.
One thing I'm really aware of as the parent of a high schooler, is that my time with my children is going so quickly. In just three short years he will be finished high school and on his way. Although we give our kids parameters, I also want to make sure my kids can manage their time well without me around and without rigid boundaries. I can't imagine what it must be like to try and be in college with a browser that could take me anywhere but where I need to be!! I want to teach my children how to manage it in a healthy way. We have safeguards in place for content so I'm mainly speaking about time.
So, although I'm not speaking specifically about social media, I think it has some application. That doesn't mean that 13yos need to be on fb and I think the longer they stay off the better! I know a lot of parents who let their kids on well before the 13 age requirement and you are right...that is not what you want to teach your children. Agree 100%.
Protecting them is paramount. Training is important too.
I agree 100%!!!! When our children are young it is our job to protect them. It is not sheltering them. It is having them spend their precious time in more worthy ways. I do not like FB, Twitter, etc. for me. Why would I let my kids waste their time hat way.
I think whether or not to allow it is different for different people. I personally think it all depends on what the child is like and how involved the parents are in that child's world. If you have allowed it you should be monitoring it. The parent should be friends and followers with their children so they can keep tabs on things. Where is the child using social media? Does she get on in secret or in the privacy of her room? Perhaps not a good idea. Does he keep what he does online a secret? Not a good sign. Do you see a negative change in behavior or attitude like Mary noticed with Anna? Could be a warning sign that something is wrong.
Of course, you can avoid all of the above, there will be no chance of your child being exposed to anything negative or dangerous, and life will be easier if your child does not have any social media accounts!
Thank you SO much for your honesty, Mary!
I agree with you 100% as well. I used to LOVE FB and then it got to be more of a complaint-political fest for people who were posting and it really got to be very icky for me! I have since just about totally given it up. I don't need the emotional drain or waste of time really. I would never, ever dream of letting my sons on there any time in the near future. My oldest is 11 and it has been a ongoing battle on all areas of over stimulation that our culture seems to think that they will need so that they will not be socially marginalized! I am the uncool parent on the block who does not have a smart phone, has never texted, has no twitter account and would much rather spend time with my family and friends in real life :-) I am also the one who doesn't give them all of those nifty little gadgets that occupy their mind constantly non stop 24/7. I was on Pinterest recently and found some really disturbing pictures posted of teens and it really bothered me to think that is how we do things now! What ever happened to protecting our little ones? We spend so much time and effort from birth to age ten and then all of it seems to vanish instantly, kind of like their childhood :(
I am glad to see that there are some left who feel the same way. I always feel like I am waging the war alone.
YES! YES! YES! Thank you.
My eldest is 11 and we've already made this decision!!
I have to say, I'm with you. My teenage daughter's friends all have the various social media outlets- facebook, twitter, instagram, etc- and she is truly the only one in her circle who isn't participating. In fact, I am not participating either. My husband's company is a web-based ad agency and he knows first and foremost that what goes on the web stays there forever in some form or other. My husband googles each potential employee before an interview and that is what most, if not all, employers do nowadays. I believe keeping her off of it during it high school will help her in the long run. (Hopefully... lol!)
Great post.
Thank you for your thoughtful post and for the link to another blog about Instagram. My oldest is 10, so we haven't even discussed opening a social media account; however, your post confirms my feeling that it's not necessary especially for this sensitive child.
I was already in high school by the time social media became popular, so it really didn't have much of an effect on me, but I can imagine what it's like for an 11 or 12 year-old being exposed to it. You're right at that age when you begin to start thinking independently (mix that with raging hormones) and everything everyone says or does matters to you. If anything, social media came be harmful to a child's development.
I am no way near the tween stage with my kids, but this issue is something I think about often- mainly bc I have no clue where this whole SM thing will be in the next 10 yrs. I'm almost afraid. I do have nieces who are in the whole selfie thing, and I hate to say this- but I've had to stop following them bc it's just too much. It's almost heart breaking. Thank you for your wisdom and insight. You are definitely doing a great work on SM, and for you to unashamedly speak up on this subject makes me even more glad I know you.
I read your post and the first comment, but didn't have time to read the other comments. i will return later and read them.
With that said, my oldest is 10 y.o. A few months back I let them try a website called Animal Jam where the kids could socialize and talk and exchange gifts and trade things from the website. Like your daughter, I saw my kids (10 y.o. daughter and 8 y.o. son) get addicted to the website and interactions. I saw their behavior deteriorate when they couldn't stay longer, or got scammed by other member in their exchange of gifts. After one month, we sat them down and shut Animal Jam down. WE never got a membership, so their access was already limited to the website. Now I wonder what bigger damage would have happened if they had gotten a membership!!
I don't have a Facebook or Instagram account. I do have a pinterest and a twitter but I don't use it at all. My only social outlet is my blog and even on that one my usage is limited and controlled. I think social media can be useful but it is so dangerous and in so many ways.
I don't think I am ready for it. I don't think my kids are ready for it. Will they ever use it? Probably. But I want it to happne when they become adults and understand the danger and set their own limits to it.
When I hear statistics like half the jobs our children will be able to choose from have not even been created yet, I know that our children need to know how to navigate their way through technology and social media. When I say children, I am not talking about 7, 8 or 9 year olds. My girls are almost 11 and 13 and they have blogs, Instagram and my oldest has a Twitter but not for posting, just for receiving information from the news and weather feeds. They each have a gmail account and I know all their passwords and have access to everything.
Just as I would not hand my child the keys to a car when she is 17 and say good luck, be safe, drive carefully, I don't feel comfortable handing over the reigns to social media without training, education, conversation, and preparation. It is life learning. My girls have read books on internet safety, have unfollowed people who post things that they deem inappropriate, understand that likes do not = friendships and I am happy to say they have never had a negative comment or a hurtful statement on any of their media accounts. Not to say that that would not happen, just that in our experience it has not.
The positive experiences that my girls have are numerous. They are able to share ideas and information with other families in states around the country. They get book recommendations, journaling ideas and video tips from what other kids are doing. My youngest has an eye for photography and Instagram allows her to share her photos with what are actually her true friends (they have private accounts and only correspond with people they would talk to on the phone). My oldest uses email for her internship at a local university and twitter helps her stay up to date on weather conditions and issues nationwide. In a world full of information, they are learning how to manage it and use it, rather than be consumed by it.
I hope that we as parents, who all have the best interests of our children at heart, remember that we all parent differently and by allowing social media in, even if that means ignoring the age limitations, that does not make us bad parents or our children liars. I liken it to having a bank account in my child's name but linked to my account. That is how I view these social media outlets, my child operates them but I have the management authority and ultimate decision making ability.
This topic is a current one, and we will be debating it for some time as our children grow up in a world that is constantly changing and becoming more technologically savvy. In order to protect ourselves from the harmful aspects, we need to be literate in the language of technology. How we achieve that literacy will vary from family to family.
Glad to be a part of this dialogue.
Jess
BRAVO! I agree wholeheartedly. I will not go into details about how I learned things the hard way about this topic. Im very strict about my kids use of all electronics- but bad things STILL happened. We abandoned spocial media for our kids (ages 3-17) and surprisingly, our family unity increased and the teenagers have THANKED us. There is a time and place for everything. Social media is just more damaging than good in teens and kids.
Good points, Mary! Social media, actually any type of media, does not and will not control the day in our family! My oldest has an Instagram account that I probably check more than she does. That's it. As her mom, I'm her model...that means I can't always be on my phone, FB, Pinterest, Instagram, or even my blog. An hour a week of media for mama is more than enough and even less for the kiddos is best practice for us:)
Great post! My oldest is only 9 and none of his friends (that I know of) use any social media (or have cell phones) so this hasn't been an issue yet for us.
I see the point of the commenters that say we should 'train" the kids to use this new technology. I would agree with that. I also plan on having my kids get credit cards perhaps in high school so we can make sure if they fail with them they do it in a way that isn't catastrophic. However, I think the difference between allowing kids to use social media at say 10 or 11 vs. 15 or 16 could be huge. Middle school as I remember it and see it with friends kids today is such a rough time. It's so tough for kids to figure out identity and want to be cool or popular and I can see how social media would just escalate all the popular clique kinds of issues. At the same time SOME older teens are more confident in who they are and will be able to navigate the world of social media without such an negative impact.
I also have a problem with the idea that "social media is here to stay" and so therefore we have to embrace it. I'm not a Luddite (obviously if I have a blog and am here commenting) but I think we make a mistake when we throw up our hands and surrender to something just because it is popular or pervasive. I have heard this lately in arguments about kids texting each other during dinner or during playdates. "This is how they communicate today, we have to accept it." I hear this from friends who insist that it's essential to be on Facebook or Twitter in order to function. I think we can use technology and all the fun stuff it brings but not allow it to control us.
WOW Mary what a wonderful "conversation" going on here....you pretty much know where I stand with SM. Being off of FB now since February has been a blessing. Although our kids are still too young to really think about SM yet, we always have our plan in the back of our minds as to what we want to do when the time arrives. We are so ANTI media with the kids we dont even allow TV's in their bedrooms, nor will we. (Lord knows we have enough of them throughout the house otherwise..)
Keep the convo going...if everyone is thinking alike, then no one is thinking!
Blessings!
Ah geez Mary,
Our homeschooled kids are already socially marginalized right? ;) Why give in to virtual social pressures? There is enough pressure in IRL as it is! I agree let our kids be kids.
My 15 year old girls have NO social media and will not have any. They have basic cell phones but NO texting.
I couldn't agree more. My 11 year old is desperate to have a phone (who he thinks he'd be calling I have no idea, but "all the other kids" evidently have one so he thinks he should too). I will not let our kids have social media accounts. All I can think is about all the stupid stuff I would've posted/commented on at that age, but now that stuff can follow our kids forever! Elections will get very interesting in a couple decades when the teens of today are running for public office. So much of their lives will be documented that "scandals" will probably be pretty easy to come by. Scary. Honestly, I'm toying with the idea of deleting my own social media accounts for privacy reasons.
I am so glad I am not alone in my views on social media. So many parents are CLUELESS on what their kids are doing and the risks to their kids safety, personal privacy, and self-esteem. Not to mention it's a distraction to kids and an enormous waste of time. I have two boys 12 and 15 who have asked for Instagram accounts -- and I've said no (no FB either but they haven't asked ). They've accepted that answer and will thank me someday when they are older and wiser.
I agree with you. I bought minecraft for the Xbox so I can turn off online mode or choose to join with other homeschoolers. It is scary to give that much free reign to our kids. You cannot see everything they see more watch 24/7 what they are doing online. We have no screen says in our house and I love to see the games/crafts my kids come up with. My son is reading Harriet the soy and made dot great for he and little sister today.
Thanks for posting on this topic. Our kids are no where near teens yet, but I agree with your perspective. My husband and I already know we plan to limit access to social media and to electronics in general. It's hard when today's culture pushes these things on you and makes you feel like you're backward or behind. Thumbs up to you!