Homeschooling and The Fear of Not "Fitting In"
Wednesday, May 29, 2013 at 5:00AM
People make all kinds of assumptions about homeschoolers.
As we were making the decision to homeschool I remember worrying about what people might think of us, and being hurt by offhand comments people would make about homeschoolers.
I'm ashamed to admit that I let my silly fears and worries about what others would think of us almost stop me from making the best decision of my life.
One thing is for certain: through homeschooling I have learned that our family DEFINITELY doesn't fit in a box. If anything, we have seen that it's better to be outside of any box and make your way in this world according to what YOU believe is right.
I've been having a lot of revelations over the past few months - remember when I wrote about when being normal looks weird?
If you homeschool and are trying to fit in the traditional homeschool "box", STOP! Please stop. Make your own box.
If you are contemplating homeschool and are worried about the stereotypes others have about homeschoolers, please STOP. Most criticism and stereotyping is born out of misunderstanding, fear, and other people's issues. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If you don't homeschool and think all homeschoolers fit in a box - shame on you. Do you believe all families who send their children to school are alike? Of course not.
Let's start by defining the homeschool box. This is actually very easy for me to do, because I've heard the same tired stereotypes quite a bit:
Homeschoolers Are Afraid of the "Real World"
Hmmm.... let's see. If you are speaking of the real world that means living in a building (which, by the way, looks a lot like a prison) 9 months out of the year, seeing the SAME PEOPLE day in and day out, starting at the same 4 walls each day, and having basically no freedom, then YES - we are afraid of the real world.
I never realized until I took my children out of school just what a stifling place most schools are.
In the "real world" of school children are taught that conformity, "self esteem", and compartmentalizing are the norm. This, in turn, produces adults that perpetuate these thoughts, which in turn is producing a society that is devoid of THINKERS.
Homeschoolers Keep Their Children Home for Religious Reasons
We did not set out to homeschool for religious reasons.
I know many people that have religious reasons for homeschooling, and I also know many families that homeschool for other reasons, too.
We're just a family, seeking to give our children the best possible education - academically and spiritually - that we can.
If anything, I hate the fact that people assume we are "holier than thou" - because guess what? We're NOT. We are simply trying to raise young people who will add VALUE to society, along with compassion and generosity.
While I would love to see everyone in our world become a Christian, my prayer is that my children will live out their faith in such a way that demonstrates the principles Christ taught, drawing those around them to find out more about the one true God.
One of the things that saddens me the most is the "us vs. them" mentality with homeschooling and religion.
I don't believe Jesus would have been happy with homeschoolers excluding others based on sticky little points of theology... and acting like that certainly doesn't encourage non believers to become Christians, either. (I'm not saying you shouldn't have convictions about religion - we most definitely do - but I believe we must have grace and love when dealing with opposing viewpoints. Learn not to waiver from your views, but do so in a graceful manner.)
Homeschool Moms Are All Stay At Home Moms Whose Entire Lives Revolves Around Their Children
The face of homeschooling is changing. I love a recent article from Penelope Trunk - You're The Type of Parent Who Chooses to Homeschool. Penelope always puts it just as she sees it, and I love that about her posts.
"We know that most homeschool families have a parent at home, and it's usually the mom. And women who choose to stay home with kids are more educated and emotionally stable. This makes sense to me, because you don't get any gold stars for staying home with kids. So if you have a great job, and you're willing to give it up for kids, then you have a lot of internal validation that dampens your need for the external validation people get from work."
Wow. I just love this.
I had a stable job as a teacher before I had children. I had great benefits, a retirement plan, and a halfway decent salary (as far as teachers go).
I nearly listened to the world as it said "Put your child in daycare and live for yourself! You have worked hard and having children doesn't have to get in the way of your career. You can have it ALL."
Well, that was just a lie, and looking back twelve years I can see it so clearly.
Now, however, I homeschool my children and work part time from home. I run a blog, freelance write, and am getting ready to release my own music curriculum in just two weeks.
Yes, the biggest part of my life is my children, and that's as it should be.
But just because I homeschool my children doesn't mean I have no dreams and goals for myself, and it certainly doesn't mean I checked my brains at the door when I received my homeschooling mom card.
If You Homeschool You Must Be Conservative, Bake Your Own Bread, Have Chickens, and Not Watch Television
There's nothing wrong with any of these!
I, however, only meet one of the criteria (let's just say we're pretty conservative).
It's funny, however, that homeschoolers have this reputation. It's certainly what I thought of homeschoolers before I became one. In fact, I wondered how I would fit in, and even went so far as to pull my bread machine out of the basement and make a few loaves.
(To see more about homeschooling myths, watch Blimey Cow's Seven Myths about Homeschooling)
Have you seen instances of the "homeschooling box" in your own life? Specifically, people trying to place you into "the box"?
Maybe if I share a few experiences of my own (a few painful) you can relate.
A Neighbor Tells Other Neighbors We Are "Strange" Homeschoolers
If you homeschool (or even have a little bit of common sense) you see just how warped this is. Seriously? My kids are just like any other children. I think our family is pretty typical (well, we do homeschool, though).
Maybe strange to this person means my children not being allowed to roam the neighborhood with lots of children I don't know well. Or maybe it means I'm normally outside with my children (especially my youngest), supervising their time with friends.
I don't keep my children out of the public school just to let them experience all of the school drama when the school kids get home.
On the first day of school when there are huge cheers going up from moms in our county because their children are finally back to school, I am gearing up for another homeschool year. I'm cheering because I just got a box of curriculum!
OK. Maybe I am strange. {wink}
On second thought, maybe this neighbor shouldn't let her child play with my kids. (are you catching the note of sarcasm in my writing?)
Well Meaning Friends and Family are Starting to Ask "How Long" We are Going to Continue Homeschooling
I guess homeschooling makes sense to some people when your kids aren't as smart as you. But put them into the upper grades and it makes some people shudder.
My answer is always, "We will do this as long as we feel we can. You have no idea of the resources that are out there for homeschooling high school."
(My friend, Jimmie, has written a great post about homeschooling high school.)
I love to tell people about the young adults I know that have graduated college and were homeschooled the whole way through! I even like to shock people and tell them about a homeschooled young man we know who is quite successful now in his own business and he didn't even (GASP) go to college!
People Assume My Kids Aren't Allowed to Read Harry Potter
I guess Harry Potter and his world of sorcerery aren't allowed in the "homeschool box".
Well, my kids LOVE Harry Potter, and so do a lot of other homeschooled kids.
We believe our children deserve to read a wide variety of literature. We loved it so much I even created a set of free notebooking pages about it.
My children also love Tolkien, CS Lewis, L'Engle, Dahl, Alcott, Twain, and many other writers.
I have found, though, that they really can't stand canned excerpts from textbooks. Go figure.
My Children Must Be Very Attached to Me Because We Homeschool
My children and I are quite close, but I am proud that they love to do things without me. They both have ample experience with being away from their dad and I and they always do quite well.
Just becaue I am with them for school doesn't mean they can't function without me.
(Children despserately NEED their parents. They NEED that guidance and firm hand. They cannot get it from a string of teachers. Our culture is full of people who have abdicated parenting to the government.)
My children each have ample chances to be on their own and learn from others. I can't teach them EVERYTHING, and sometimes it's good to hear things from another qualified adult.
Final Thoughts
I could offer many more instances, but I think you get the point.
What I have learned in the past four years about homeschooling is very true about life in general.
You CANNOT worry what others think of you. You cannot compare yourself to others, and you cannot allow others' expectations of you to determine your actions.
I have learned that I must be MYSELF. I need to be the person God made me to be or I am going to be very unhappy in my life.
Trying to be like "the crowd" - even if it is the "homeschooling crowd" doesn't work out so well.
My goal in this space is to encourage all homeschoolers.
Please share this with people you know who are contemplating homeschool, discouraged with homeschool, or who just want a little affirmation.
What are your thoughts on the homeschool box? Have you ever been placed in the box? Or, have you been afraid you wouldn't fit in the box?
Reader Comments (24)
I had to chuckle because out of our homeschool group, I am by far the most conservative. Our group has a healthy dose of various political affiliations, religions (or no religion), and educational styles....hmmmm......this sounds a lot like.....the "real" world! I guess homeschoolers are not so sheltered after all!
Love, love, love this post. It is like you looked inside my brain and saw what I was thinking. I have come across many of the points you have listed time and time again. In my homeschool support group I am probably the only one "doing" high school in a relaxed manner. But that is okay because it has taken us many years to reach this point in our homeschooling journey. We are all different and should learn to embrace it, not criticize them for being different.
Blessings
Diane
When we moved and joined a homeschool coop I realized no homeschool family is alike. We teach differently, parent differently, and all use different curriculum. It's a beautiful thing because we learn from each other! I am conservative, have chickens, sometimes bake bread, and rarely watch tv. Love it!
First of all, I LOVE this post!!
Secondly, like you, we didn't set out to homeschool because of religious convictions, but homeschooling has been such an added blessing in allowing us to have a more active and constant role in discipling our children and helping them to grow their faith.
Thirdly, there are just so many different points I could comment on within this post, but that would probably be a whole post in and of itself. In short, you've hit the nail on the head!
Thank you so much for this post. We have only recently begun the homeschool journey. We started after Easter break, and I am amazed how much we are learning and enjoying this experience together. We are definitely the "odd balls" in our neighborhood, but more than anything it is not about what is "normal" to others but what is right for us. Again, thank you.
Spot on!!!! And, great referral for Blimey Cow. Tim Hawkins, too. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNxbjQbl8j4) Thanks for expressing this so well.
bahahaha I am a conservative and PROUD OF IT! And we do bake bread once in a while...
We own two pet rabbits, and we love our TV :)
I am a soon-to-be homeschooler who is somewhat worried about what others will think of my kids. I don't want people to think my kids are weird or sheltered, but at the same time I can't imagine going against what I feel is best for them simply because of what some strangers might think. I loved this article, and I'm sure I'll be referring to it frequently through our homeschooling adventure, which will start soon. Thanks!
WE are conservatives, but don't skirts all the time. I used to bake bread, now we don't eat wheat any longer so no more baking bread but cookies and cake with nuts. We are unschoolers so we are pretty outside the homeschooling box. I too, found out that we are all different. I think it's awesome that we are all so unique. :)
love your article. we are surrounded by very conservative, bread making homeschoolers in our county. No one plays video games or watches TV and we do those things. I love old classic movies and so does my hubby. I do limit TV during school time. But I do sometimes feel judged because I choose to do things "our way" and not follow others. It makes it hard sometimes for my kids to communicate with the kids in our group. But we still try!
Love this post. I just got ask the "Are you going to homeschool through middle/high school?" by my doctor the other day. I just looked at her and smiled and said absolutely. Why wouldn't i? Our family is sooo not in that box. Thanks for this!
Looooove this post. Agree with all of it. The part about knowing a successful young man who did not go to college really strikes me right now because it's ridiculous the suppressed GASPS we've gotten because Lindsey has no college plans. SO WHAT?!? There are such bigger fish to fry, so to speak, in her life. Heck, she's the 1st in her biological family to finish high school EVER! She wants to be a wife and mom -- noble aspirations -- but from folks' responses to that are just plan sad, really.
I cheer when the neighborhood kids go back to school so I can have my kids all to myself again! :)
I just have to say, great post, spot on post. I also would like to relay a little story to show that most children don't really care what others think of them if that is the way they are brought up. I homeschool my 5 year old grandson. One day we were in the grocery store and he saw a child that he had attended PS with for the 3 months that he was there. The other child "hey, aren't you that kid that is being homeschooled?
My grandson, "Yeah!" other child "what is wrong with you?" My grandson, "Nothing, what is wrong with you?" other child "Nothing, I go to school like normal kids." My grandson, "Yeah, well, I have school but I just spent the day at the park while you sat in a dumb ole class doing boring stuff all day."
I was so proud of him. I did not coach him, this was a conversation between two 5 year olds. Amazing how children can handle themselves when you let them.
Fabulous post! I agree with what someone else said in that being part of a homeschooling group makes it so obvious to me how different homeschooling families are from each other.
I also totally agree about the "us vs. them" mentality. The co-op we used to go to was Catholic only. There was briefly some talk about letting non-Catholic join (especially since the other co-op in our area was too full and turning away people) and I couldn't believe how upset some people got about it. I was in the minority in being more inclusive. The co-op subsequently has fizzled out because fewer and fewer families were part of it, probably something that could have been solved by allowing others in. It seemed to silly me to let something fall apart rather than be inclusive. But, what can you do, right? We can't even join the other co-op though because the very last line of their statement of faith is written in a way that might as well say, "If you're a Catholic, you know you shouldn't really agree to this statement because of this one sentence, right? We put it in there just for you. Goodbye."
Whew - apparently I had a raw nerve for all of that that I didn't realize was quite so raw. ;)
Thanks for the nice shoutout, Mary.
Something I've noticed is that the box someone chooses to put homeschoolers in tells me more about them than about homeschoolers.
Penelope
Love this, Mary! Great post:)
I think the problem is that many people make a judgement call about others based on outward appearances or what little they know about them. It's stereotyping...plain and simple, but sadly I think we've all been guilty of making assumptions about people at some time or another:/
As homeschoolers, we have the unique opportunity to teach our children a different way of thinking (one that doesn't involve stereotypes)while at the same time proving all those stereotypes about homeschoolers to be wrong!
So we may be a conservative, bake our own (gluten free:) bread, raise way too many chickens, no tv kind of family...
but we are also an unschooling, roadtripping, competition seeking, game playing, outdoor loving, techno savvy kind of family too!
Is there a box for that? ;)
Great post Mary. Funny how that box looks the same on the outside but on the inside every home school box is filled with a wide variety of colors, shapes and sizes.
It's not very popular to bring up in homeschooling circles, but my husband went to public school, DID NOT go to college and runs a very successful company with over 60 employees. College isn't a guarantee of success. I hope to educate my children enough to allow them the opportunity to go to college if they choose---but it's no guarantee of future success.
Home run!! Awesome post!
It's amazing the kind of lies society creates to do whatever it can to separate children from their families and to tell them to go live for themselves. Or at least that's what I got from it. I still find many homeschool families to be fairly stereotypical, but many of the healthier families I've seen have traditionally been the ones where the parents homeschooled their children.
Loved this!! The reason why I love homeschooling is because we are all so different!!
Thank you for a great post. Hits the nail on the head exactly. I, and it seems so many others looking at the other comments, are subject to so much criticism often disguised as "interest" from others. We have been asked whether it's just whether as a mother I can't let my child go and so am trying to keep him with me as long as possible. Aren't I worried he will grow up unable to function in the real world? The real world is where he and I think most home educated children spend their time! Playing in the woods, meeting people at the library even at the supermarket. How many of us grow up and lead lives surrounding by 30 others of the same age - surely that's the only social experience gained at school? It is just that I want to avoid work? Like you, I work at home part time too, I tutor children and I write a blog and am starting to write a historical fiction novel. I have many interests but my priority is my child. Why have children if you're just going to palm them off on someone else? Yes, I suppose you can "have it all" by putting your kids in daycare and working full time but it is that really any kind of life for children? To me, it's just feminism gone mad!
Thanks for sharing
Thanks for this.