Homeschool Moms Have to Say "No!"
Monday, April 21, 2014 at 6:00AM
"How do you juggle it all?"
In today's society the ability to "juggle it all" is seen as a necessary skill - one to be sought after and often times rewarded.
I don't know about you, but I stink at juggling. I am forever dropping balls.
I need margin in my life. I need time and space for my relationship with God, and my relationship with my husband and children.
Especially now that my kids are older I have to be intentional about every single thing we do.
So when people ask me how I juggle it all I have a very simple answer:
"I don't. My favorite word is NO and I use it often. I use NO often so that I can say YES to the things that truly matter."
(Note: Especially if you have ever had children in school and have had your days to yourself, when you homeschool you REALLY need to adjust your vocabulary to include the word NO!)
Priorities
Homeschool moms need priorities. Choose 4 or 5 areas that are your focus.
When people ask me to do things (as they frequently do) I have to evaluate where that fits into my priority list. If it doesn't, then I must say NO.
Believe me, this was SO HARD for me to do. It took me four years of homeschooling to figure out how to do this and not feel bad about it.
As I read over this post (especially the following section) it looks like I say NO to a lot, and I DO. But, I do this so I can say YES to my children, my husband, and a few activities we deem truly important.
Life is full of seasons, and when your children are under your roof and you homeschool it is a season to prune outside commitments and focus on your family. We are charged with discipling our children and that requires TIME and SACRIFICE. Society tells us we can be all things to all people. For me, at least, that is impossible.
The consequences of not saying NO are disastrous. I want to have time with my children - time to curl up on the sofa and read a book, time to participate in service activities with my children, and time to just sit and listen to my husband at the end of a long day. There is nothing worse than being rushed, a lack of time, and a lack of PEACE.
Also, it's pretty hard to homeschool when you're never at home!
How to Say "No"
It's very easy.
Just say "no".
You don't have to offer any explanations or excuses. "No" is good enough and you don't owe anyone any explanations. Many people won't understand why you have to say "no" to something, but you're aiming to homeschool your kids and take care of your family, not explain yourselves to people who don't have a stake in your life, right?
It also helps for me to remember this simple fact:
Homeschooling is a FULL TIME JOB. If something takes away from your full time job you can't do it. This includes phone calls, computer time, and all the other little things that come up during a day.
Here are some examples --- just to make you feel better!
*Disclaimer: I'm not saying this is how YOU should respond -- it's how I am responding recently and it fits my life and situation currently.
"Could you be a tutor for our CC Community?"
NO. (Ok -- that was really hard to turn down, but I was surprised how quickly the answer rolled off my tongue.)
"Could you run this errand for xyz family member (during the school day) since you are home anyways?"
NO. (This was hard for me, too - but homeschooling my kids has to be my focus and if another available person can help I will try and enlist them. Of course, sometimes we are there to help a family member because I want to teach my children about service, but I have to be careful to set boundaries.)
"Would you like to participate in a morning Bible study at the church?"
NO. (As much as I love Bible study, time out of the house is a real disruption in our homeschool.)
"Do you want to meet for lunch/coffee?"
NO. (Ugh. This one is super hard for me. Thankfully I have a couple of good friends who know and respect my schedule and we work out good times to nurture our friendships.)
"Are you in favor of playing travel baseball?"
NO. (Careful, you might have a whole team of parents mad at you for this one, but I still say no. Ok. I might change my mind on this one day, but right now - it's no. My son plays baseball at a great field just minutes from our home and are part of a wonderful, Christian team. I love this. It fits into our priorities. )
"Would you like to join xyz homeschool group? It's really just some field trips and an email list?"
NO. (Right now we are part of one group that fulfills our needs. There are many opportunities in our area and I'm sure they are all GOOD, but that doesn't mean I need to take part.)
The Freedom That Comes From Saying NO
Once you learn to say "no" effectively you will notice your life is more happy and relaxed. You might also notice you have
- more patience for your children
- more accomplishments in your prioritized areas
- a happier husband
- happier children
- a happier YOU
- kids that learn to say no, too
- more time to stop and smell the roses
So.... what are your thoughts on juggling?
This post is part of a series about How Homeschool Moms Juggle various things... I do realize it is in some mom's nature to juggle and they do it well - read some of their posts at the iHomeschool Network.
Psst.... Starting this Wednesday, April 23 - The Ultimate Homemaking Bundle will go on sale. There are many homeschooling resources in this collection - you won't want to miss it!
Reader Comments (10)
Super great post, Mary! We have been struggling in this area for years now and it has been building and building to an intolerable level! We have two in cubscouts and one in boyscouts and just that alone {never mind churchschool on two different days, co-op, play practice, and music lessons} make it non stop all week long and we all hate it! My husband and I have been saying that we really need to say NO more often! We were never in so much so young and my kids are not as involved as some. It takes a toll on everything and to tell you the truth I am not sure they are getting as much out of it all as they could if we just pruned things down to a few. I want them to enjoy a few things and do them well and intentionally. I have gotten better to say NO for myself. I was asked to re-up for parish council and I said no, as well as saying no to taking over Childrens Liturgy of the Word at church. It is REALLY hard for me to do this {I am a huge people pleaser}, but, I am taking baby steps and the more I do it the easier it gets.
Do you notice that people ask you more because you homeschool? I think some people feel like since I am home I have much free time which is truly NOT the case, lol!
Happy Easter to you and your family, Mary!
Saying no is hard. Saying no without offering an explanation is very hard (for me at least). I always feel the need to justify why I'm saying no. I have to learn to let that go and just say no when I need to.
I just got finished leading a year-long step study group, and when I started I had to change the outgoing message on my phone. I let people know that I worked from 9-3 and would not answer the phone. They were welcome to leave a message, and I would get back to them during my lunch break or after school. It was hard because these were people who were often going through crisis. But the couple of times I caved, I ended up on the phone FOREVER. After a few months, they started relying on each other instead of me and this has been the most successful small group I've ever been in. It also sent the message to my kids that their schooling is important and a priority in my life.
I've learned to say No and not feel guilty about it. It's very freeing! But I see moms who are juggling so many activities that do not involve their children. I wonder how successful and fun homeschool is for their children. Thanks for this post!
We are not a big "out and about" kind of family, but I learned to limit that even more during my husband's transplant journey. Like you, we found our family was so much saner and happier and calmer. Our priorities were set and if it didn't fit those 2-3 areas, we said no. We're slowly adding things back, but I continue to say no a lot.
No is a wonderful word. The hardest places for me to use it is in connection with my daughter's competitive sport - or maybe it is just because I have to say it so often. For several years I said no to competing entirely but as my kids got older and more independent and she was still passionate I said yes. Thankfully she is fine with my "nos" - no, she won't train any more days per week, no she won't compete in away competitions this season, no she won't compete in a higher league this season. However, the club, coach and other parents often aren't. I seem to be the only parent with financial constraints or who will place limits on how and when this sport impacts on our family life. Every now and again I consider pulling the plug entirely (mainly due to the stress on me from dealing with the fallout when I say no yet again) but my daughter loves the sport so I ignore the looks and comments and carry on..
Yes, learning to say 'no' is crucial...but you can't do that wisely until you have figured out what your priorities are, and you won't be able to do that until you've said 'no'. That was the merry-go-round I was before I learned to say 'no' years ago.
Now, with only 3 kids left at home, I'm learning to say 'yes' to a few more things, but I still need to remember my priorities. It does not really get much easier to say 'no'.
Thanks for the reminder that homeschooling is a full-time job! I needed to hear that!
May God bless you and each of us as we try to do what he wants us to do!
I'm sure it's been a struggle to master this. Very impressive. I don't have all those things in my life (blessings of a hermit???), but I totally get what you'd need to do it. Great job being strong and consistent, Mary!
Great article! Thanks for sharing. It is hard to say no - but when we have our priorities firmly in mind, it does become a little bit easier. This is a very important skill for all people - and even more so for homeschool moms. No matter where we go or what we do, it seems like someone is asking us to do something else...
I've written about this same topic a few times myself:
Just Say No - http://www.homeschool-your-boys.com/justsayno.html
You Can't Have it All - http://www.homeschool-your-boys.com/youcanthaveitall.html
What a great post! It reminds me (again) of great lessons I learned while reading "Say Goodbye to Survival Mode". That book really was a life-changer for me. (and the kindle edition is only $2.99 this week if you haven't read it). I say no to lots of things so I can say yes to other things. I have to protect my time at home or we just don't get anything done.